Imperfect Body - Perfect Jesus. Broken World - Secure Heaven

I feel like when I write a blog post it is usually just posting the set lists from Sunday or else it's some really long deep post about how depressed I am or how hard life is...blah...blah...blah...
I came to write a post and realized that again, it was a wanting to write out of a really hard time. I guess writing for me is sometimes a release. It helps to write things out sometimes, and I find that when I do...sometimes someone is encouraged. So read if you want...don't read if you are annoyed by me.

I have to believe in Jesus. I just have to. Because if I didn't I would probably not be alive.
He sustains my breath.
He keeps my heart beating even in its breaking.
I don't understand it but I'm asking Him over and over again to help me trust Him.
I read this in a book I've been reading on suffering.

"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate."

It's hard to trust God when everything seems to be crumbling down around you.

"I can trust that you understand even though I don't."

Oh God, help me trust you.
Here are some other quotes from this book...

"God is heaven-bent on inviting me to share in his joy, peace, and power.  But there's a catch. God only shares his joy on his terms, and those terms call for us, in some measure, to suffer as his beloved Son did while on earth." 

"When suffering sandblasts us to the core, the true stuff of which we are made is revealed.  Suffering lobs a hand-grenade into our self-centeredness, blasting our soul bare, so we can be better bonded to the Savior.  Our afflictions help to make us holy.  And we are never more like Christ, never more filled with his joy, peace, and power than when sin is uprooted from our lives." 

"But I have to remember that the core of God's plan is to rescue me from sin, even up to my dying breath.  My pain and discomfort are not his ultimate focus. He cares about these things, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making my life happy, healthy, and free of trouble, but about teaching me to hate my transgressions and to keep growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. God lets me continue to feel sin's sting through suffering while I'm heading for heaven, constantly reminding me of what I am being delivered from, exposing sin for the poison it is."

The last month has been hard. Really hard. Anyone who knows me or who reads this blog, probably knows that I deal with depression. It's been a part of my life for a long time. Some of it has been circumstantial. Some of it is just in my genes.  Some of it is related to sin. I'm learning the older that I get, I am realizing that this might just be with me the rest of my human, imperfect, messed up life. But there will be a day when all of this will be over.
I'm ready for that day. SO. BAD.
I can't wait to be in heaven with Jesus.
In a new body.
Free from sadness.
Full of perfect joy.
Singing non-stop.
For eternity.
Surrounded by glory.
I think about it often, I yearn for it more than I can even put into words.
But then reality hits.
The reality that I am still here and in this REALLY imperfect body, surrounded by the weight of the world, sin, sadness, hard pressed on every side, suffering.
I don't know the number of my days. But I know that my days don't have to be spent carrying this load by myself. Jesus tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He carried my load on the cross. I can let Him take all of this.
He will fight for me.
He will give me strength when I cannot stand.
He will give me a deep deep joy even when I'm sad for no reason.
He covers me with grace that I need for today, and He will give me grace for tomorrow, and the next day...He never runs out of grace.
He gives me a community of people who are imperfect and messed up just like me. A community of people who are believing Jesus for these things as well. Who remind me of these truths, these promises that I forget SO easily.
I forget these things ALL the time. It's hard to remember these things when I'm in the deepest depths of sadness, and I can't see out, when it gets hard to breathe, when the weight seems unbearable, with the frustration of feeling something unexplainable, and sometimes for no reason at all.
Somehow He gets me through and I pray like crazy that He would show me how to fight well during these seasons. He is faithful. I have to believe that.
I have to believe that He will do what He says.
That He will make the rough places smooth.
That He will provide when I don't see a way out.
That He will come in power when I least expect it.
That He will love me even when I'm unloveable.
That He will forever and ever see me as His bride, His child, His love. Now and for eternity.
I have to believe that He is for me. That He is good. That He is working all of this out for my good and for His glory.
FOR HIS GLORY.
Help me believe God.

The Gospel, Discontentment & Depression

I'm taking a gospel counseling class. Usually our get trained classes are on Sundays, which I can't do because I'm usually singing all day. But our elder wives have been going through this class on Thursday mornings and they have graciously allowed me to sit in on their class with them.
The elder wives plus me.
I have LOVED it. These women are amazing.
The last two weeks we have been talking about the topic of depression. Funny right?!
God is funny.
Something that has hit me about struggling with depression is that I've realized that my depression has two parts.
Physical/Chemical/Circumstantial - there is a part of my brain that just doesn't work right. It's in my genes.
Then there is an active sin part - this is the part that has hit me the hardest.
I've battled with depression for a long time. I knew that it ran in my family and I knew that there were significant things in my life that have happened that have been a part of my depression also...a circumstantial depression (my dad dying when I was in high school, an unhealthy broken engagement, other unhealthy relationships that resulted in a multitude of really difficult situations) But the part of my depression that I haven't ever really dealt with is the sin aspect.

• Discontentment. 
• Looking to created things to get approval, success and attention. 
• Unbelief
• Fear

All of these things trigger depression for me and are a source of sorrow that leave me unsatisfied because they are rooted in wanting satisfaction and contentment in creation and not in my Creator.

I look and yearn for attention in so many ways.

• Leading worship. 
• Being on a stage. 
• People knowing who I am.
• What I wear. 
• My mood.
• I want attention from my roommates...
• From a boy,
• From my friends.

And when I don't get it...it ruins my day. My feelings are hurt and I hate life. I'm discontent and unsatisfied.
Ridiculous and dramatic.

I look and yearn for approval in so many ways...

• In my singing and leading worship...I want people to like what I do
• From my boss, I want him to offer me a permanent job.
• I want people to like me and want to be friends with me
• I want to look a certain way, act a certain way so that people will like me, then I get confused as to who I really am and not being ok with who I really am because it's not what people want or enjoy.
• I let fear hold me back from doing things because I'm afraid of messing up or looking stupid or doing the wrong thing. 

I just don't believe that God is enough for me and that He is all I need so I search out all of these things...then I am left discontent and unsatisfied. Hating life and feeling sad, because all of the things that I have run to my whole life and all of the things that I want so badly, fail me and are not consistant and leave me feeling empty.

Here is a definition of discontentment that was read in my class

"Discontentment does not hold circumstance with an open hand. It clenches its fist tightly around whatever it feels it needs to truly be happy - immovable and unwavering - persisting until it has what it desires and even then will eventually grow unhappy. Discontentment is sin because it rejects the provision of God and grabs for things not offered by Him in the present - believing they cannot be satisfied by God, but rather in the things of the world."

BUT GOD.
HE is satisfying. HE is unfailing. HE is faithful. HE is good. HE is glorious. He knows me and loves me and He gives me attention and approval and success and contentment because of Jesus. Nothing that I did, nothing that I am...but all because of Jesus. Complete and perfect grace.
For HIS glory...not my own.

Depression is my thorn. I may have this the rest of my life, I'm in a good place now, but there will be other valleys. I'm asking God now to remind me of His faithfulness and His goodness and the hope that I have for when that time comes when the darkness comes in again. He has given me this thorn for me to depend on Him, to depend on His grace, on His strength, on His power.

"So to keep me from being conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

He is so good. I've asked Him over and over again for my heart and my mind to be focused on Him, for my heart and my mind to yearn for Him instead of the things of this world. He is faithful. SO faithful...I don't even fully understand it. But I know that He is good.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:1-8

Depression & It's Darkness

Depression is hard. For those who have gone through it or who are going through it...you know.

You know well the depths, you know the darkness, you know the weight. It's hard.

Those of you who have never gone through depression, its hard to understand.

I read a really good book called When the Darkness Will Not Lift by John Piper.  It is excellent. He put into words what I could not. It's a short book so it's a fast read. Get it if you are going through depression, or if you know someone who is. It is a great resource for helping and encouraging someone who is in the middle of this darkness.

Something I am reading over and over again from this book:

"He has promised not to turn you away. “Whoever comes to me I will never cast out” (John 6:37). By this act of faith God will unite you to Jesus. You will be “in him,” and in him you will be now and forever loved, forgiven, and righteous. The light will rise in your darkness in due time. God will hold onto you (Jude 24). You will make it. That is his promise: “Those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified” (Rom. 8:30). The glory is coming. In the meantime, “this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Cor. 4:17-18)."

Another good one:

"Saints who cry to the Lord for deliverance from pits of darkness must learn to wait patiently for the Lord...Only God knows how long we must wait... We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or he delays as he sees fit. And his timing is all-loving toward his children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don’t mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ."

This is such a hard fight. But I have to believe that it is possible. I have to.
This is something I prayed this morning:
Help me fight God. Help me believe. Help me trust you. Help me feel it and when I don't feel it help me fight and believe it anyway. You have to do this and you promise that you will. I can't do it. But you can. This ache in me that feels stronger than truth and stronger than you. Turn this ache into an ache for more of you. I need you God. I know I need you. When I think that I don't...change my heart God. I beg you as my Daddy, please change my heart, change my mind. Give me peace. Give me rest. Bring light into this darkness. I wait..give me patience and strength to make it when I feel like I won't make it.
I'm so thankful for people of great faith who have walked deeply in depression, Martin Luther, Charles Spurgeon, David...it makes me feel not so crazy.

Psalm 143 - of David
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me,
in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgement with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness
like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirst for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your streadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord!
I have fled to you for refuge!
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your names sake, O Lord, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!

David knows. He knows well this darkness.
Here are Spurgeon's thoughts:

"Oh, dear heart, what is your condition? Are you torn with anguish? Are you sorely distressed? Are you lonely? Are you pushed aside? Then cry to God. No one else can help you. He is your only hope. Wonderful hope! Cry to Him, for He can help you. I tell you, in that cry of yours will be the pure and true worship that God desires. He desires a sincere cry far more than the slaughter of ten thousand rams or the pouring out of rivers of oil (Micah 6:7) See then, poor, weeping, and distracted ones, that it is not ritualism, it is not the performance of pompous ceremonies, it is not bowing and struggling, it is not using sacred words, but it is crying to God in the hour of trouble that is the most acceptable sacrifice your spirit can bring before the throne of God."

Spurgeon knows. He knows well this agonizing cry.
One last Spurgeon quote:

"I often feel very grateful to God that I have undergone fearful depression. I know the borders of despair and the horrible brink of that gulf of darkness into which my feet have almost gone. But hundreds of times I have been able to give a helpful grip to brethren and sisters who have come into that same condition, which grip could never have given if I had not known their despondency. So I believe that the darkest and most dreadful experience of a child of God will help him to be a fisher of men if he will but follow Christ."