I feel like when I write a blog post it is usually just posting the set lists from Sunday or else it's some really long deep post about how depressed I am or how hard life is...blah...blah...blah...
I came to write a post and realized that again, it was a wanting to write out of a really hard time. I guess writing for me is sometimes a release. It helps to write things out sometimes, and I find that when I do...sometimes someone is encouraged. So read if you want...don't read if you are annoyed by me.
I have to believe in Jesus. I just have to. Because if I didn't I would probably not be alive.
He sustains my breath.
He keeps my heart beating even in its breaking.
I don't understand it but I'm asking Him over and over again to help me trust Him.
I read this in a book I've been reading on suffering.
"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate."
It's hard to trust God when everything seems to be crumbling down around you.
"I can trust that you understand even though I don't."
Oh God, help me trust you.
Here are some other quotes from this book...
"God is heaven-bent on inviting me to share in his joy, peace, and power. But there's a catch. God only shares his joy on his terms, and those terms call for us, in some measure, to suffer as his beloved Son did while on earth."
"When suffering sandblasts us to the core, the true stuff of which we are made is revealed. Suffering lobs a hand-grenade into our self-centeredness, blasting our soul bare, so we can be better bonded to the Savior. Our afflictions help to make us holy. And we are never more like Christ, never more filled with his joy, peace, and power than when sin is uprooted from our lives."
"But I have to remember that the core of God's plan is to rescue me from sin, even up to my dying breath. My pain and discomfort are not his ultimate focus. He cares about these things, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making my life happy, healthy, and free of trouble, but about teaching me to hate my transgressions and to keep growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. God lets me continue to feel sin's sting through suffering while I'm heading for heaven, constantly reminding me of what I am being delivered from, exposing sin for the poison it is."
The last month has been hard. Really hard. Anyone who knows me or who reads this blog, probably knows that I deal with depression. It's been a part of my life for a long time. Some of it has been circumstantial. Some of it is just in my genes. Some of it is related to sin. I'm learning the older that I get, I am realizing that this might just be with me the rest of my human, imperfect, messed up life. But there will be a day when all of this will be over.
I'm ready for that day. SO. BAD.
I can't wait to be in heaven with Jesus.
In a new body.
Free from sadness.
Full of perfect joy.
Singing non-stop.
For eternity.
Surrounded by glory.
I think about it often, I yearn for it more than I can even put into words.
But then reality hits.
The reality that I am still here and in this REALLY imperfect body, surrounded by the weight of the world, sin, sadness, hard pressed on every side, suffering.
I don't know the number of my days. But I know that my days don't have to be spent carrying this load by myself. Jesus tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He carried my load on the cross. I can let Him take all of this.
He will fight for me.
He will give me strength when I cannot stand.
He will give me a deep deep joy even when I'm sad for no reason.
He covers me with grace that I need for today, and He will give me grace for tomorrow, and the next day...He never runs out of grace.
He gives me a community of people who are imperfect and messed up just like me. A community of people who are believing Jesus for these things as well. Who remind me of these truths, these promises that I forget SO easily.
I forget these things ALL the time. It's hard to remember these things when I'm in the deepest depths of sadness, and I can't see out, when it gets hard to breathe, when the weight seems unbearable, with the frustration of feeling something unexplainable, and sometimes for no reason at all.
Somehow He gets me through and I pray like crazy that He would show me how to fight well during these seasons. He is faithful. I have to believe that.
I have to believe that He will do what He says.
That He will make the rough places smooth.
That He will provide when I don't see a way out.
That He will come in power when I least expect it.
That He will love me even when I'm unloveable.
That He will forever and ever see me as His bride, His child, His love. Now and for eternity.
I have to believe that He is for me. That He is good. That He is working all of this out for my good and for His glory.
FOR HIS GLORY.
Help me believe God.
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