I Will Boast

Several days...no... weeks...actually months have gone by.
I have found myself more lost, more depressed, more overwhelmed,
Yet more hopeful, more loved, more confident in who God is.
It's sometimes overwhelming to feel so many emotions one day.
Then the next day feel nothing at all.
I often feel a little crazy.
Sometimes it's easy to put on a good face. I smile...even laugh to force myself into normalcy.
Sometimes it's not so easy.
Sometimes I try and fight.
Sometimes I don't.
I read this the other day:

Psalm 44:2-3, 8
You afflicted the peoples, but them you set free;
for not by their own sword did they win the land,
nor did their own arm save them,
but your right hand and your arm,
and the light of your face
for you delighted in them.
In God we have boasted continually,
and we will give thanks to your name forever.

God is my fighter. He is in control even in affliction.
He afflicts and He sets free.
I try so hard to fight...sometimes. Trusting in my own strength (that I don't have) instead of trusting in the only One who has the power and victory to fight.
There is nothing in me that has the power to win or to save or to fight. God is the only one who can do those things.
His right hand...power
His arm ... strength
the light of His face ... gentleness and sweetness.
He is able to save.
He delights in us with His grace and love.
So that I will boast in Him.
So I lean into Him, trust Him, let Him be my strength, let Him fight for me. Let Him do what He does, and I boast in Him.
He is good, He is faithful, He is constant, He is all I need.
So I will boast.

David's the MAN.

I tried several times today to sit down and read more of James. Every time, I sat there reading the same paragraph over and over. It was frustrating because I wanted to get something out of it. I wanted to get some sort of life changing message from it. But my mind wasn't working right. I finally just put it aside and gave up for the day.
Tonight at my community group we were discussing our upcoming missions trip (we leave on SUNDAY!) and we were sharing different things we were struggling with and wanting prayer for. We had a list of different things and scripture for each topic. There staring at me on the paper was "depression". This is where I have been the last couple of months. Here is the scripture that God showed me tonight...

Psalm 51:10-17 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.  Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.  O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.  For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Love this so much. I'm gonna camp out on these verses for awhile and try and dig into this some more. David really knows how to repent. He's been through a lot and has been at the bottom, in the pit, covered by darkness, but hopeful. I like him. He gets it.

I'm a Mess...but Covered by Grace

I read this today:

James 4:3-4 "You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.  You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God."

I am an adulterer. I have been looking everywhere else but to my one true love. My first love.
I have been yearning for love, I have been yearning for joy, for satisfaction, for peace, contentment, for happiness. I've been looking for all of these things in the world, in relationships, in money, in entertainment in pretty much anything but Jesus. These things have left me empty. They have left me feeling unloved, despaired, unsatisfied, anxious, mad, sad and everything opposite of what I was yearning for. I've gotten to the point of feeling the weight of being far from God. I've realized that it is my pride that has kept me from Him, it's my pride that has kept me from my community, from my team, from the people in my life who know and love me best.

Then I read this:

James 4:6-10 "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.  Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.  Cleanse your hands, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will exalt you."

I'm thankful for God's grace. I have to believe that His grace is over me more and more. More than I will ever have sin. His grace comes with humility and when I submit myself to Him and put myself under Him, fully surrendering to Him as my King.

I read these great quotes:

"Pride demands that God bless me in light of my merits, whether real or imagined. But grace will not deal with me on the basis of anything in me, good or bad, but only on the basis of who God is."

"It isn't as if our humility earns the grace of God.  Humility merely puts us in a position to receive the gift He freely gives."

God's promises:
--If I resist (stand, against) the devil. He will flee. I have to believe that I have the power of Jesus (who has already conquered death) in me by the Spirit to be able to have power to stand against the devil and the way that he schemes me.
--If I draw near to God, he will draw near to me. He hasn't gone anywhere...I have. I am the one that has turned my back. That has walked away. That has distanced myself. Hello pride! God has not gone anywhere. When I draw near to Him, He is quick to draw near to me.
--If I humble myself He will lift me up. Acknowledge my pride, my selfishness, my impure heart, my wretchedness...weep and mourn over my sinfulness, cleansing my hands and purifying my heart. Fully humbling myself and He will lift me up.

Lord Jesus,
You have power and You have pure and complete love. Love that is satisfying and full of joy. Power that has conquered sin and pride. Love that gives life, power that defeated death. You never leave, even when I turn my back. You wait for me and You even come after me. Thank You for not giving up on me. Forgive me for thinking that the things of the world would be enough for me. Forgive me for not believing in Your love and power. I need Your love and Your power. Get rid of the pride in my life. Get rid of the selfishness in my life. Give me more of You. Give me desires of humility, give me desires of You and not of the world. Change my desires. Change my heart, change my soul, change my life. There needs to be a change in me. I can't do it. Only YOU can fix me. Give me hope. Give me joy. Give me YOU. Help me to stand against the devil. He is quick to get me down. I'm sorry that I have not turned to You for help. You are my helper. You love me more than I can comprehend and You desire for Your name to get glory in helping me. I have robbed You of glory. God forgive me. Bring glory to Your name through me. I'm nothing without You. Anything through me is You. Humble me and lift me up. Only if it will bring light to my sin and bring light to Your name. I surrender to You Jesus. I surrender, I give up. I'm Yours. Cleanse me. Purify me. Make me new. Help me to not be content with where I am. I know that You have me in this season for purpose. I want You to give me a story that continues to point to You. Continue Your work in me, You have promised to keep Your hand on me and to complete the work that You have started in me. Keep reminding me of this. Help me trust You. I love You. I do. Burn in me a love for You that is stronger then when the darkness comes in. I need You. Thank You for hearing me. For hearing every word. Even if it's been awhile since I've talked to You. You are quick to listen. Thank You.
In Your name, do I pray these things.
Amen.

History of Redemption pt 1

I'm memorizing 7 pages of scripture. I'm insane.
I have down 1/2 of a page. 6 1/2 more to go! insane.
I'm surprised that I'm actually getting it. It's hard. But God is revealing Himself so much in this process and I love it. I actually love it. I love having His word in my mind constantly.
So here is what I have memorized so far:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was without form and void and darkness was over the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. (Genesis 1:1-2)

Then God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.  And God saw that the light was good.  And God separated the light from the darkness. (Genesis 1:3-4)

And then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.  And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him.  And God saw everything that He had made and behold - it was very good.  And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.  The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 1:26-27, 31; Genesis 2:22,25)

And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die."  But the serpent said to the woman, "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God knowing good and evil." So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate. (Genesis 2:16-17; Genesis 3:4-6)

His word is so good. Why don't I memorize scripture ALL the time?! It's powerful.

Shout Hallelujah, You God-Worshipers

I read this today from the message version of the bible. Take it in...I love it. LOVE it.

Psalm 22:22-31
Here's the story I'll tell my friends when they come to worship, and punctuate it with hallelujahs:
Shout hallelujah, you God-worshipers
Give glory, you sons of Jacob; adore him you daughters of Israel.
He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around.  He has never wandered off to do his own thing; he has been right there, listening.
Here in this great gathering for worship I have discovered this praise-life.
And I'll do what I promised right here in front of the God-worshipers.
Down-and-outers sit at God's table and eat their fill.
Everyone on the hunt for God is here praising him. 
"Live it up, from head to toe. Don't ever quit!"
From the four corners of the earth people are coming to their senses, 
Are running back to God.
Long-lost families are falling on their faces before him.
God has taken charge; from now on he has the last word.
All the power-mongers are before him
--worshiping!
All the poor and powerless, too
--worshiping!
Along with those who never got it together
--worshiping!
Our children and their children will get in on this
As the word is passed along from parent to child
Babies not yet conceived
Will hear the good news --
That God does what he says.