I'm a World Traveler

It's been a crazy couple of months. LOTS of traveling and fun! So thankful to have this time before I start my nannying job in September.

Here is a short version of where I've been:

I went back to my hometown in Iowa for 10 days. Lots of good family time. I just love Iowa. It's beautiful.

Then when I got home from Iowa I housesat for my friends who have an AMAZING house! It was a week of feeling like I was by myself at a resort. I loved every minute of it.

After I got back from housesitting I went to Chicago for my friend Christy's wedding. I was so sick before I went and was nervous I wasn't going to be able to make it...but I survived! It was so so good to be there and she was absolutely beautiful!

As soon as I got back from Chicago I got in the car with my friends and we headed to our girls getaway trip to the beach! Port Aransas got a good taste of us crazy girls! So much fun!

After getting back from Port A, I drove to Mexico. One of my best friends and her family lives there and it was so so so so good for my soul. We laughed, we cried, we had fun. It was SO needed for both of us. I loved getting to spend time with her sweet boys too. They are the cutest kids ever. Guillermo, Cisco, and Silas. Love them so stinking much.

Now back to real life. boo.

It's Friday. Get Excited

I have quarantined myself to my room for the past week. In the midst of all my travels this summer I have caught pink eye and tonsillitis. boo. I was supposed to fly out to Chicago on Wednesday to be with one of my best friends who is getting married on SUNDAY! I postponed my flight and I leave TODAY! I figured it would be better to be at home in my quarantined room resting instead of infecting the bride and the whole bridal party.

My friend Jamie just posted about what she is excited about today and I thought I would join her in sharing in some exciting things. 

1. I feel SO much better. I'm not completely back to normal...but definitely better. I'm so thankful. I've had some peeps praying hard for healing in my body and I'm thankful that God answered & is quickly healing my body. He is so kind. 

2. I fly out TODAY for Chicago! I absolutely LOVE Chicago. Being from Iowa, this city was our vacation city growing up. I'm excited to be in the city but most of all that I will get to be with 2 of my best friends! Mich (Christy) is getting MARRIED!!! My other friend AJ is the maid of honor and I'm a bridesmaid. It's going to be so much fun. I have shared so many fun memories with these girls and I can't wait to spend the weekend with them!

3. I get a massage tomorrow. We are having a spa day with the bridal party and AJ got me a massage! When I was at the dr. this week she said that I needed a massage, so this is perfect! I can't wait. This summer has been a rough one and I think it's all building up in my shoulders and neck. This massage will be wonderful! 

4. Monday when I get back into town, Jamie is picking me up at the airport and we are heading to Port A with 15 of our other girlfriends for a week at the beach! These girls are some of the best girls I know and I'm so thankful for each of them. I'm excited to have a fun & memorable time with them. What happens in Port A...stays in Port A. 

5. My August 2012 playlist. I get made fun of for my playlists. I have one for each month of songs that I'm listening to over and over that month. I have to say that my August 2012 playlist is pretty amazing. 

Here is what I'm reading that you should get on board with (you can click on the pic & it will take you to amazon): 

Jesus Calling: 

A Place of Healing:

The Calvary Road:

Made to Crave:


Here are some songs on my August 2012 playlist:

Lovely - Sara Haze

Winter Song - The Head and The Heart


We Are (Live Acoustic) - Kari Jobe

Here - "I will rest in You"

I have been listening to this song over and over. So. Beautiful.
I love when music gets to the depths of my soul, it is only because the Spirit goes there first.
I've been wrestling and all out fighting the war in me with my thoughts, with my feelings, with the outer pressures of different things weighing on me. It's exhausting. When I first heard this song, I feel to my face and cried.  I had been trying so hard to carry all of this myself. I'm not quite sure why I quickly forget that God wants me...all of me...all of my burdens. Every single one of them. He wants me to come and lay them before Him. There is rest in Him. There is peace in Him. There is healing in Him. I want to breathe Him in and breathe Him out. Just breathe.
Hope this encourages you.

Come and rest here
Come and lay your burdens down
Come and rest here
There is refuge for you now

You'll find His peace
And know you're not alone anymore
He is near
You'll find His healing
Your heart isn't shattered anymore
He is here

Breathe in
Breathe out
You will, you will find Him here

I will rest in You
I will rest in You
I will rest in You
I will rest in You

So...I Took A Drive Tonight...

I went for a drive tonight. I had to get out...leave...and for a moment just feel like I could runaway from all the mess of my life & never come back.
So I chased the sun.
I love the sky in its brilliant colors as the sun sets and hides behind clouds. The rays of the sun beaming out from the clouds as if to say I can still be seen, and I am radiant.

The roads I took led me to the middle of nowhere and it was beautiful.

Small country roads with the most beautiful wildflowers going wild.
I just kept thinking to myself...
This is absolutely beautiful. No one is around, no one knows this beauty...how can no one know about this, cause surely if people knew its beauty they would be here.
I kept driving. Chasing the sun. Not caring where I would end up, I just didn't want it to end. I'll go however long, however far it takes to see the sun go down.
There is something about tonight that was so good for my soul.
A beautiful, perfect combination of goodness.
The perfection was refreshing after having a month of things just going wrong. After a day of hard stuff. The beautiful, perfect combination of goodness was just what I needed.
Windows down, beautiful sky, the smell of wood burning, green fields, colorful wildflowers, wind blowing through my hair, perfect playlist ...
God and I spent a lot of time together on this drive. Not even kidding...5 hours. I spent 5 hours in the car tonight.
I cried, I prayed, I worshiped, I was silent...and this song came on:

Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down
Help my heart to hear Your sound
Speak into my life, Lord, speak now
Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down 

Clear my mind, O Lord, clear my mind
Bring me peace that I cannot find
Take my worried thoughts break my pride
Clear my mind, O Lord, clear my mind 

Wake my soul, O Lord, wake my soul
With this mess I've made make me whole
Of this life called mine, take control
Wake my soul, O Lord, wake my soul 

Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down
Help my heart to hear Your sound
Speak into my life, Lord, speak now
Slow me down, O Lord, Slow me down

A beautiful, perfect combination of goodness.

Then, as I was driving...I came across this:

They were just hanging out in the road. At one point they were all in the middle of the road and I just had to sit there and wait awhile cause they weren't moving. They just looked at me.

It was awesome.

Then I heard the song singing, "Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down."

I laughed again. 

God definitely has a sense of humor.

I found myself begging God, cause that is all I felt like I could do, as His child. Begging Him to just change my heart, to change my life, as I come back home to the reality of a lot of mess.  I want to live this mess as a witness, as a person who has hope.  Who trusts and believes that God is bigger, better, enough and in complete control and completely good.

A Beautiful, Perfect Combination of Goodness.

Imperfect Body - Perfect Jesus. Broken World - Secure Heaven

I feel like when I write a blog post it is usually just posting the set lists from Sunday or else it's some really long deep post about how depressed I am or how hard life is...blah...blah...blah...
I came to write a post and realized that again, it was a wanting to write out of a really hard time. I guess writing for me is sometimes a release. It helps to write things out sometimes, and I find that when I do...sometimes someone is encouraged. So read if you want...don't read if you are annoyed by me.

I have to believe in Jesus. I just have to. Because if I didn't I would probably not be alive.
He sustains my breath.
He keeps my heart beating even in its breaking.
I don't understand it but I'm asking Him over and over again to help me trust Him.
I read this in a book I've been reading on suffering.

"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate."

It's hard to trust God when everything seems to be crumbling down around you.

"I can trust that you understand even though I don't."

Oh God, help me trust you.
Here are some other quotes from this book...

"God is heaven-bent on inviting me to share in his joy, peace, and power.  But there's a catch. God only shares his joy on his terms, and those terms call for us, in some measure, to suffer as his beloved Son did while on earth." 

"When suffering sandblasts us to the core, the true stuff of which we are made is revealed.  Suffering lobs a hand-grenade into our self-centeredness, blasting our soul bare, so we can be better bonded to the Savior.  Our afflictions help to make us holy.  And we are never more like Christ, never more filled with his joy, peace, and power than when sin is uprooted from our lives." 

"But I have to remember that the core of God's plan is to rescue me from sin, even up to my dying breath.  My pain and discomfort are not his ultimate focus. He cares about these things, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making my life happy, healthy, and free of trouble, but about teaching me to hate my transgressions and to keep growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. God lets me continue to feel sin's sting through suffering while I'm heading for heaven, constantly reminding me of what I am being delivered from, exposing sin for the poison it is."

The last month has been hard. Really hard. Anyone who knows me or who reads this blog, probably knows that I deal with depression. It's been a part of my life for a long time. Some of it has been circumstantial. Some of it is just in my genes.  Some of it is related to sin. I'm learning the older that I get, I am realizing that this might just be with me the rest of my human, imperfect, messed up life. But there will be a day when all of this will be over.
I'm ready for that day. SO. BAD.
I can't wait to be in heaven with Jesus.
In a new body.
Free from sadness.
Full of perfect joy.
Singing non-stop.
For eternity.
Surrounded by glory.
I think about it often, I yearn for it more than I can even put into words.
But then reality hits.
The reality that I am still here and in this REALLY imperfect body, surrounded by the weight of the world, sin, sadness, hard pressed on every side, suffering.
I don't know the number of my days. But I know that my days don't have to be spent carrying this load by myself. Jesus tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He carried my load on the cross. I can let Him take all of this.
He will fight for me.
He will give me strength when I cannot stand.
He will give me a deep deep joy even when I'm sad for no reason.
He covers me with grace that I need for today, and He will give me grace for tomorrow, and the next day...He never runs out of grace.
He gives me a community of people who are imperfect and messed up just like me. A community of people who are believing Jesus for these things as well. Who remind me of these truths, these promises that I forget SO easily.
I forget these things ALL the time. It's hard to remember these things when I'm in the deepest depths of sadness, and I can't see out, when it gets hard to breathe, when the weight seems unbearable, with the frustration of feeling something unexplainable, and sometimes for no reason at all.
Somehow He gets me through and I pray like crazy that He would show me how to fight well during these seasons. He is faithful. I have to believe that.
I have to believe that He will do what He says.
That He will make the rough places smooth.
That He will provide when I don't see a way out.
That He will come in power when I least expect it.
That He will love me even when I'm unloveable.
That He will forever and ever see me as His bride, His child, His love. Now and for eternity.
I have to believe that He is for me. That He is good. That He is working all of this out for my good and for His glory.
FOR HIS GLORY.
Help me believe God.

The Gospel, Discontentment & Depression

I'm taking a gospel counseling class. Usually our get trained classes are on Sundays, which I can't do because I'm usually singing all day. But our elder wives have been going through this class on Thursday mornings and they have graciously allowed me to sit in on their class with them.
The elder wives plus me.
I have LOVED it. These women are amazing.
The last two weeks we have been talking about the topic of depression. Funny right?!
God is funny.
Something that has hit me about struggling with depression is that I've realized that my depression has two parts.
Physical/Chemical/Circumstantial - there is a part of my brain that just doesn't work right. It's in my genes.
Then there is an active sin part - this is the part that has hit me the hardest.
I've battled with depression for a long time. I knew that it ran in my family and I knew that there were significant things in my life that have happened that have been a part of my depression also...a circumstantial depression (my dad dying when I was in high school, an unhealthy broken engagement, other unhealthy relationships that resulted in a multitude of really difficult situations) But the part of my depression that I haven't ever really dealt with is the sin aspect.

• Discontentment. 
• Looking to created things to get approval, success and attention. 
• Unbelief
• Fear

All of these things trigger depression for me and are a source of sorrow that leave me unsatisfied because they are rooted in wanting satisfaction and contentment in creation and not in my Creator.

I look and yearn for attention in so many ways.

• Leading worship. 
• Being on a stage. 
• People knowing who I am.
• What I wear. 
• My mood.
• I want attention from my roommates...
• From a boy,
• From my friends.

And when I don't get it...it ruins my day. My feelings are hurt and I hate life. I'm discontent and unsatisfied.
Ridiculous and dramatic.

I look and yearn for approval in so many ways...

• In my singing and leading worship...I want people to like what I do
• From my boss, I want him to offer me a permanent job.
• I want people to like me and want to be friends with me
• I want to look a certain way, act a certain way so that people will like me, then I get confused as to who I really am and not being ok with who I really am because it's not what people want or enjoy.
• I let fear hold me back from doing things because I'm afraid of messing up or looking stupid or doing the wrong thing. 

I just don't believe that God is enough for me and that He is all I need so I search out all of these things...then I am left discontent and unsatisfied. Hating life and feeling sad, because all of the things that I have run to my whole life and all of the things that I want so badly, fail me and are not consistant and leave me feeling empty.

Here is a definition of discontentment that was read in my class

"Discontentment does not hold circumstance with an open hand. It clenches its fist tightly around whatever it feels it needs to truly be happy - immovable and unwavering - persisting until it has what it desires and even then will eventually grow unhappy. Discontentment is sin because it rejects the provision of God and grabs for things not offered by Him in the present - believing they cannot be satisfied by God, but rather in the things of the world."

BUT GOD.
HE is satisfying. HE is unfailing. HE is faithful. HE is good. HE is glorious. He knows me and loves me and He gives me attention and approval and success and contentment because of Jesus. Nothing that I did, nothing that I am...but all because of Jesus. Complete and perfect grace.
For HIS glory...not my own.

Depression is my thorn. I may have this the rest of my life, I'm in a good place now, but there will be other valleys. I'm asking God now to remind me of His faithfulness and His goodness and the hope that I have for when that time comes when the darkness comes in again. He has given me this thorn for me to depend on Him, to depend on His grace, on His strength, on His power.

"So to keep me from being conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

He is so good. I've asked Him over and over again for my heart and my mind to be focused on Him, for my heart and my mind to yearn for Him instead of the things of this world. He is faithful. SO faithful...I don't even fully understand it. But I know that He is good.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:1-8

My Peeps.

I'm humbled each time I sit around a table with women who love and fear the Lord.  I sit back and think... I'm so blessed that I get to do life with women who challenge me and who share with me their struggles, what they are learning and how their heart is stirring for Jesus. I would not be able to survive without these women.
I have different pockets of women who are in my life.
I have my roommates who live with me and see every side of me good and bad...pretty and ugly.
I have my LTG group who we meet once a week and talk about how our time in the word has been.
I have my Monday night girls group who we get to share prayer requests with and get to worship with and just talk about Jesus with.
I have a few women who I daily talk to, who ask me hard questions, who know all of my junk, who love me well, who I can be real with and struggle with, have fun with and just be ridiculous with.
I have those women who I may not see every day but when I see them it's like no time has passed. Women who I can just sit with for hours and talk about all kinds of things, who I can just be with without talking. Who listen, who just give me hugs when I need them, who laugh and pray with me.
I have my ministry guys (who are not women...they are dudes) that I meet with once a week to read the Word together and encourage each other. They are family and I LOVE doing ministry together with these guys.
I'm so blessed.
God created us to be in community. We were meant to live in deep living life with each other community.  He delights in that.
I'm so thankful for the perfectly imperfect people in my life. Love them.

Depression & It's Darkness

Depression is hard. For those who have gone through it or who are going through it...you know.

You know well the depths, you know the darkness, you know the weight. It's hard.

Those of you who have never gone through depression, its hard to understand.

I read a really good book called When the Darkness Will Not Lift by John Piper.  It is excellent. He put into words what I could not. It's a short book so it's a fast read. Get it if you are going through depression, or if you know someone who is. It is a great resource for helping and encouraging someone who is in the middle of this darkness.

Something I am reading over and over again from this book:

"He has promised not to turn you away. “Whoever comes to me I will never cast out” (John 6:37). By this act of faith God will unite you to Jesus. You will be “in him,” and in him you will be now and forever loved, forgiven, and righteous. The light will rise in your darkness in due time. God will hold onto you (Jude 24). You will make it. That is his promise: “Those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified” (Rom. 8:30). The glory is coming. In the meantime, “this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Cor. 4:17-18)."

Another good one:

"Saints who cry to the Lord for deliverance from pits of darkness must learn to wait patiently for the Lord...Only God knows how long we must wait... We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or he delays as he sees fit. And his timing is all-loving toward his children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don’t mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ."

This is such a hard fight. But I have to believe that it is possible. I have to.
This is something I prayed this morning:
Help me fight God. Help me believe. Help me trust you. Help me feel it and when I don't feel it help me fight and believe it anyway. You have to do this and you promise that you will. I can't do it. But you can. This ache in me that feels stronger than truth and stronger than you. Turn this ache into an ache for more of you. I need you God. I know I need you. When I think that I don't...change my heart God. I beg you as my Daddy, please change my heart, change my mind. Give me peace. Give me rest. Bring light into this darkness. I wait..give me patience and strength to make it when I feel like I won't make it.
I'm so thankful for people of great faith who have walked deeply in depression, Martin Luther, Charles Spurgeon, David...it makes me feel not so crazy.

Psalm 143 - of David
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me,
in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgement with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness
like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirst for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your streadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord!
I have fled to you for refuge!
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your names sake, O Lord, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!

David knows. He knows well this darkness.
Here are Spurgeon's thoughts:

"Oh, dear heart, what is your condition? Are you torn with anguish? Are you sorely distressed? Are you lonely? Are you pushed aside? Then cry to God. No one else can help you. He is your only hope. Wonderful hope! Cry to Him, for He can help you. I tell you, in that cry of yours will be the pure and true worship that God desires. He desires a sincere cry far more than the slaughter of ten thousand rams or the pouring out of rivers of oil (Micah 6:7) See then, poor, weeping, and distracted ones, that it is not ritualism, it is not the performance of pompous ceremonies, it is not bowing and struggling, it is not using sacred words, but it is crying to God in the hour of trouble that is the most acceptable sacrifice your spirit can bring before the throne of God."

Spurgeon knows. He knows well this agonizing cry.
One last Spurgeon quote:

"I often feel very grateful to God that I have undergone fearful depression. I know the borders of despair and the horrible brink of that gulf of darkness into which my feet have almost gone. But hundreds of times I have been able to give a helpful grip to brethren and sisters who have come into that same condition, which grip could never have given if I had not known their despondency. So I believe that the darkest and most dreadful experience of a child of God will help him to be a fisher of men if he will but follow Christ."

SO Thankful

So many things to be thankful for...

1. JESUS. 
He is the one who has given me life when I deserved death. He gives me grace upon grace & love that I don't deserve. He is everything to me, the source of my joy, who I sing about, who I live for, who I absolutely love. He has given me SO much. SO thankful.
2. MY FAMILY.

I got to skype with them on Thanksgiving. It was great.They sat me down on the table & it was like I was right there with them! I was thinking about them a lot today. We have walked through a lot together. Some really really hard things, but also some really really great things. They have walked through times of me running away from the Lord & they have prayed for me and walked with me through times of obedience that led me to some hard decisions. (like moving 17 hours away to Austin!) They have supported me, provided for me, cheered me on & believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. SO thankful.
3. MY DAD.

He left a legacy that is continuing on and I am forever grateful for the Lord choosing him, bringing him into a relationship with Jesus and then taking him home. His life & death have brought hope to so many people. I miss him like crazy and wish that we could laugh and be goofy together, but there will soon be a day for that! SO thankful. 
4. MY GIRLS AND MY COMMUNITY.

I am so blessed by the people I am surrounded by. Who walk through life with me and love me even when I'm crazy and hard to love. People who know me well enough to see when I'm not ok, who know me well enough to know how to make me laugh, who know me well enough to know when I just need some space, who will fight for me when I can't fight, who speak truth to me when I'm believing lies, who will dance & be goofy with me, who cheer me on, who aren't afraid of hurting my feelings when it's truth that needs to be said. I am blessed. SO blessed. I can't imagine doing life alone. SO thankful.
5. MY GUYS. 

These are the guys that I get to do ministry with.  I am absolutely blessed by each one of these guys. I've learned so much from them about leading and about loving people well & music. These are some of the most talented musicians/worship leaders that I know. I'm so thankful that I get to sing and make music with these guys. I'm beyond thankful.  Chris, Aaron, Justin & Todd are married with kids. It has been so great learning from them about marriage and family life, I have gotten to know their wives & they are absolutely amazing. & then there is Jimmy...you can refer back to the laughing song. SO thankful.
6. MY CHURCH. 

I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am for my church (the Austin Stone). Where I have grown and have been challenged in ways that I didn't even know were possible. Truth is spoken here in a way that is completely led by the Holy Spirit. Worship is being led in a way that is completely from the Holy Spirit. There is a heart that reaches outside of the walls of our church to the city, to the nation and to the world that is so beautiful. I am blessed beyond blessed to be a part of this church and to lead worship every Sunday. God is being glorified, lives are being changed and it's so beautiful. SO thankful.

The Reality of Brokenness

If I'm going to be honest and if I'm going to be vulnerable in sharing my life on this blog, I must include the depth of brokenness along with the joyous heights.
Surely I'm not the only one who struggles.
I've had some rough days.  I've had some good days.  The rough days seem really bad and the good days are really good.  Which makes me feel a little crazy at times.
I'm a feeler. I feel things deeply. I'm an "artist" a "musician" and a typical creative dreamer. I feel depths of emotions. I'm thankful, because I know that God has created me perfectly and uniquely just how He wanted me.
I'm learning, painfully and really far from fully getting it, how to use the depth of these emotions to bring glory to God and not to sin in them. I can easily use the excuse that God has created me to be a feeler and so it's okay when I respond in a way that is dramatic.
That's not okay and that's sin.
I don't know if I know how to fully glorify God in the way I respond to things. Especially when I don't know if I completely understand what is going on inside of me, when I feel such an ache of brokenness.
When I'm down, when I can't seem to lift my head, it is harder to care. I don't feel like myself. The ache seems to be stronger than anything else.
There are times I just want to give up. Be done.
I get so tired.
Tired of feeling so intensely. Tired of not feeling like myself. Tired of changing the mood of a room. Tired of fighting. Tired of having to explain what is wrong. Tired of crying for no reason. Tired of feeling like a crazy person.
BUT GOD...
I'm humbled that in my mess He still loves me and comes after me. He is still God. He has never left me. He binds up my broken pieces. Cleans up my mess. Pursues me with His mercy and His grace. He makes all the brokenness and all the mess, He makes it all beautiful...somehow.
BUT GOD...
He does the impossible. He heals hearts. He gives life. He comforts. He gives victory and strength. He lifts and shields.

Psalm 3:3 "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

BUT GOD...
He hears me. He hears every word I speak, every mutter under my breath, every secret word that I haven't ever spoken of. He hears me. Every cry, every shout, every whimper, every whisper. He hears me.
He is good. Because He is good, I know that all of this is good. He will stay with me. He will show me how to die so that I can truly live.

I have been listening to this song on repeat tonight. "Show Me" by Audrey Assad.
Here are the lyrics:

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
No not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

I'm resting tonight in peace. ONLY because of HIM.

Psalm 4:8 "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

I Will Boast

Several days...no... weeks...actually months have gone by.
I have found myself more lost, more depressed, more overwhelmed,
Yet more hopeful, more loved, more confident in who God is.
It's sometimes overwhelming to feel so many emotions one day.
Then the next day feel nothing at all.
I often feel a little crazy.
Sometimes it's easy to put on a good face. I smile...even laugh to force myself into normalcy.
Sometimes it's not so easy.
Sometimes I try and fight.
Sometimes I don't.
I read this the other day:

Psalm 44:2-3, 8
You afflicted the peoples, but them you set free;
for not by their own sword did they win the land,
nor did their own arm save them,
but your right hand and your arm,
and the light of your face
for you delighted in them.
In God we have boasted continually,
and we will give thanks to your name forever.

God is my fighter. He is in control even in affliction.
He afflicts and He sets free.
I try so hard to fight...sometimes. Trusting in my own strength (that I don't have) instead of trusting in the only One who has the power and victory to fight.
There is nothing in me that has the power to win or to save or to fight. God is the only one who can do those things.
His right hand...power
His arm ... strength
the light of His face ... gentleness and sweetness.
He is able to save.
He delights in us with His grace and love.
So that I will boast in Him.
So I lean into Him, trust Him, let Him be my strength, let Him fight for me. Let Him do what He does, and I boast in Him.
He is good, He is faithful, He is constant, He is all I need.
So I will boast.

More Than Just Set Lists

There is coming a day when this blog will be so much more than just set lists!
Man...I was looking back at my old blog and it made me sad that I haven't been very good about updating this blog over the last few years.
Blogging had been a way for me to journal and to write and to let my peeps in Iowa know what my life is like here in Texas. I've been so bad about it.
Well...starting September 15th, I'm going to be taking a get trained class that my friend is teaching. So as not to think that she will take it easy on me...she is going to be loading me with lots of homework.
Part of my homework is going to be blogging...daily. It will consist of things I'm learning, reading, creating, doing. Hopefully it will be interesting.
For those who care and are interested...keep checking back. I promise. It will be more than just set lists!
If no one ever reads this...that's ok! This is also just for me as a way of writing and journaling and just as a creative outlet.
So read if you'd like. I welcome you into my life.

My Delight, His Word

Read this today:
Psalm 1:2 "His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - ESV
"But his delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night." - AMP

When I was in Rome a few weeks ago I went to a breakout session on spiritual disciplines, taught by the cutest little Englishman. God literally took me across the world to teach me about reading my bible. It changed my life. The basic things of being a Christian. Changed my life. It was a combination of being in a place of brokenness and him ripping away my pride, and recognizing my depravity apart from Jesus and His word. I was craving and yearning for something and turns out it was His word. I can't live without it. I will die a slow painful death of self and pride without it. I've noticed in being back to real life this week that I get so selfish and consumed with my time. How do I forget that all I need is His word?
I read this today from Spurgeon...so.good...

"His delight is in the law of the Lord." He is not under the law as a curse and condemnation, but he is in it, and he delights to be in it as his rule of life; he delights, moreover, to meditate in it, to read it by day, and think upon it by night.  He takes a text and carries it with him all day long; and in the night-watches, when sleep forsakes his eyelids, he museth upon the Word of God. In the day of his prosperity he sings psalms out of the Word of God, and in the night of his affliction he comforts himself with promises out of the same book.  "The law of the Lord" is the daily bread of the true believer.  And yet, in David's day, how small was the volume of inspiration, for they had scarcely anything save the first five books of Moses! How much more, then, should we prize the whole written Word which it is our privilege to have in all our houses!  But, alas, what ill-treatment is given to this angel from heaven! We are not all Berean searchers of the Scriptures. How few among us can lay claim to the benediction of the text! Perhaps some of you can claim a sort of negative purity, because you do not walk in the way of the ungodly; but let me ask you - Is your delight in the law of God? Do you study God's Word? Do you make it the man of your right hand - your best companion and hourly guide? If not, this blessing belongeth not to you.

David's the MAN.

I tried several times today to sit down and read more of James. Every time, I sat there reading the same paragraph over and over. It was frustrating because I wanted to get something out of it. I wanted to get some sort of life changing message from it. But my mind wasn't working right. I finally just put it aside and gave up for the day.
Tonight at my community group we were discussing our upcoming missions trip (we leave on SUNDAY!) and we were sharing different things we were struggling with and wanting prayer for. We had a list of different things and scripture for each topic. There staring at me on the paper was "depression". This is where I have been the last couple of months. Here is the scripture that God showed me tonight...

Psalm 51:10-17 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.  Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.  O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.  For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Love this so much. I'm gonna camp out on these verses for awhile and try and dig into this some more. David really knows how to repent. He's been through a lot and has been at the bottom, in the pit, covered by darkness, but hopeful. I like him. He gets it.

I'm a Mess...but Covered by Grace

I read this today:

James 4:3-4 "You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.  You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God."

I am an adulterer. I have been looking everywhere else but to my one true love. My first love.
I have been yearning for love, I have been yearning for joy, for satisfaction, for peace, contentment, for happiness. I've been looking for all of these things in the world, in relationships, in money, in entertainment in pretty much anything but Jesus. These things have left me empty. They have left me feeling unloved, despaired, unsatisfied, anxious, mad, sad and everything opposite of what I was yearning for. I've gotten to the point of feeling the weight of being far from God. I've realized that it is my pride that has kept me from Him, it's my pride that has kept me from my community, from my team, from the people in my life who know and love me best.

Then I read this:

James 4:6-10 "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.  Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.  Cleanse your hands, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will exalt you."

I'm thankful for God's grace. I have to believe that His grace is over me more and more. More than I will ever have sin. His grace comes with humility and when I submit myself to Him and put myself under Him, fully surrendering to Him as my King.

I read these great quotes:

"Pride demands that God bless me in light of my merits, whether real or imagined. But grace will not deal with me on the basis of anything in me, good or bad, but only on the basis of who God is."

"It isn't as if our humility earns the grace of God.  Humility merely puts us in a position to receive the gift He freely gives."

God's promises:
--If I resist (stand, against) the devil. He will flee. I have to believe that I have the power of Jesus (who has already conquered death) in me by the Spirit to be able to have power to stand against the devil and the way that he schemes me.
--If I draw near to God, he will draw near to me. He hasn't gone anywhere...I have. I am the one that has turned my back. That has walked away. That has distanced myself. Hello pride! God has not gone anywhere. When I draw near to Him, He is quick to draw near to me.
--If I humble myself He will lift me up. Acknowledge my pride, my selfishness, my impure heart, my wretchedness...weep and mourn over my sinfulness, cleansing my hands and purifying my heart. Fully humbling myself and He will lift me up.

Lord Jesus,
You have power and You have pure and complete love. Love that is satisfying and full of joy. Power that has conquered sin and pride. Love that gives life, power that defeated death. You never leave, even when I turn my back. You wait for me and You even come after me. Thank You for not giving up on me. Forgive me for thinking that the things of the world would be enough for me. Forgive me for not believing in Your love and power. I need Your love and Your power. Get rid of the pride in my life. Get rid of the selfishness in my life. Give me more of You. Give me desires of humility, give me desires of You and not of the world. Change my desires. Change my heart, change my soul, change my life. There needs to be a change in me. I can't do it. Only YOU can fix me. Give me hope. Give me joy. Give me YOU. Help me to stand against the devil. He is quick to get me down. I'm sorry that I have not turned to You for help. You are my helper. You love me more than I can comprehend and You desire for Your name to get glory in helping me. I have robbed You of glory. God forgive me. Bring glory to Your name through me. I'm nothing without You. Anything through me is You. Humble me and lift me up. Only if it will bring light to my sin and bring light to Your name. I surrender to You Jesus. I surrender, I give up. I'm Yours. Cleanse me. Purify me. Make me new. Help me to not be content with where I am. I know that You have me in this season for purpose. I want You to give me a story that continues to point to You. Continue Your work in me, You have promised to keep Your hand on me and to complete the work that You have started in me. Keep reminding me of this. Help me trust You. I love You. I do. Burn in me a love for You that is stronger then when the darkness comes in. I need You. Thank You for hearing me. For hearing every word. Even if it's been awhile since I've talked to You. You are quick to listen. Thank You.
In Your name, do I pray these things.
Amen.

Song on Repeat: Lord, I Need You

So I have a new theme song. Lord, I Need You from the album Passion: Here For You. 
I remember listening to this song back when they were live streaming the Passion conference. I fell in love with it...(along with Waiting Here For You, of course) I had forgotten about it when the album released not too long ago. I think I was just stuck on #3 (waiting here for you).
Until yesterday. I listened to this new theme song of mine and put the repeat on it.
God does this to me...let me just tell you what He does...
I go through seasons of funk. I've talked about it before on this blog (but not for a long time, and that is not saying it has been a long time since the funk, cause it comes often) I have been in it the last couple of weeks and so when I heard this song my heart softened a bit.
There are certain lines that resonate so well with my soul.

"Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart"

"Every hour I need You."

"So teach my song to rise to You
when temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay"

Oh my heart. I cannot help but fall on my face. I have listened to this song over and over again. In my room, in my car, in my backyard, in my dining room. I keep coming back to this: This song isn't changing my life. Jesus is. He is using this song, using these words to stir my heart to Him. That's what worship does, it's not just some songs to make you feel good. It is truly a response to what Jesus is doing. It is a way for us to connect with Him in a way that is like no other. He is good and He will continue to pursue my heart, and I will respond in worship.
Here is a video of this song with the words. I hope that you will listen to it and even sing along. worship. get after it. do it.

A Night at Breakaway

Last Tuesday night the guys and I led worship at Breakaway.
Breakaway is one of those ministries that I just love. They are so great. Amazing staff, amazing volunteers, amazing students. God is at work on the campus of A&M.
Our usual routine for a Tuesday is to drive the 2 hours to College Station.
I usually drive up separate since there is not usually room in the band van and let's just be honest...it's probably stinky in there. Plus it gives me a chance to invite a friend to come with me, it's usually a lot of fun. Playlists, snacks, laughing, catching up on life, or just sharing life stories and sometimes a game of "Hey Cow".

Here's a quick story you will enjoy:
There was this one time that I ended up going up by myself and I accidentally got pulled over for speeding...and...I had not put my updated registration sticker on my car. oops.
I didn't get a ticket.
Well that SAME night on the way home...I accidentally get pulled over again for speeding. oops.
OH...and it was the SAME cop that pulled me over earlier that night. oops.
His words after looking at my license and my registration sticker that was still out of date from earlier that night: "Did I talk to you yesterday?"
Me: "uh...well...that was actually earlier this evening" *insert cute little grin* "yeah, sorry about that."
I didn't get a ticket. *insert cute little grin*
You better believe that I set my cruise control at the speed limit now and always.
the end.

So once we arrive in College Station we usually eat dinner at Blue Baker, which has amazing pizza.
We sometimes get weird looks.
We definitely look like we are from Austin and even got asked by a Blue Baker employee:
"Are y'all together? cause y'all don't look like you are from here? What are you doing here?"
Makes sense when you look at us with our skinny jeans, tattoos, big beards, white hair, crazy haired selves... and when Cauble is with us...blue pants.
After dinner we make our way over to Reed Arena to set up and sound check. When we arrive there is a crew of guys ready to help carry everything in and help set up. They are amazing!

One thing that I have been so thankful for is the hospitality team. They set up the green room each week and they provide us with treats and drinks and every once in awhile they will throw in some fun things...like a whoopie cushion key chain. Perfect for the band van.
They also ask us each week how they can be praying for us.
They know how to love us well. We are so thankful and we love them back.

We pray together for God to do His thing & for His name to be lifted up.
Then we head out to worship.

*picture from breakaway ministries*

They get after it. So much fun.

*picture from breakaway ministries*

Breakaway usually starts at 9:00pm. By the time we get done and get on the road it's about 11:00-11:30pm. 2 hour drive home. We are old. But it's SO worth it! 
 
This ministry also does a thing called Shalom Project, where they raise money for those in need. This year they wanted to send money to two different organizations that would rescue kids in India and Haiti from human trafficking. 
The goal that they set was $27,000.
In the 4 weeks that they had this project they raised $119,000!!!!!! 
This means that 19 girls in India will be rescued from a life of sex trafficking and 165 children in Haiti will be free from slavery. 
This is HUGE. College students giving up their money, selling their possessions, sacrificing to make a difference. Love. this. You can read more about this here. 

I have met so many amazing people through breakaway. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to lead with Aaron & the boys, and to work with such amazing people at Breakaway Ministries. So blessed & so humbled. God is truly truly GOOD.

If you want some music to listen to you can download our live album that we recorded with the other worship leaders of Breakaway, Jeff & Jourdan Johnson, Jeremy McCasland & Donna Stuart.

Breakaway // Live

A couple of days ago I was sharing some things with a good friend of mine, and was telling him about how I had been in a rough place the last couple of weeks and how I felt like satan was attacking. (FYI...satan is very real) and how it kinda freaked me out. He began reciting Psalm 23 to me, which I'm familiar with, but this time it was different:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me." 

I will not fear. I don't have to be afraid. HE is with me. 
I haven't been able to stop thinking about Psalm 23.
It's been in my mind and in my heart.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside quiet waters, 
He refreshes my soul
He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake"

So after having a really rough couple of weeks, I needed a day of just being.
A day of beauty.
A day of nature.
A day of quiet.
My friend Sarah had asked me to go hiking with her.
Perfect.
After a few detours & lots of driving...we ended up at Pedernales Falls State Park. It was absolutely beautiful.
We hiked.
We did some "rock climbing".
We sat and read. Journaled.
But mostly just stopped.

There is something truly beautiful and amazing about sitting in nature and having God's creation all around you crying out His glory because of its beauty. You can't help but worship.

We sat on this rock that was right next to a small waterfall. I loved the sound. To me, it was the sound of quiet waters. It was so peaceful. I laid back on the rock and closed my eyes letting the sound take my mind to places of green pastures.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside quiet waters, 
He refreshes my soul"

Refreshes indeed.

We hiked and climbed up rocks trying to find our way to another area. Except we weren't sure how to get there. There were bushes and branches cutting up our arms (well...Sarah's arms) and huge rocks & cliffs were preventing us from getting to where we wanted to be.
Finally we came across a path. The path led us to where we needed to be and it led us back out.  A path.
"He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake."
I felt like this day was just what I needed. I love how God kept reminding me of His faithfulness. Showing me His word. Letting me see His goodness. He is beautiful.
Here are some more fun pics I took:

Waiting Here For You

This song has been on repeat for the last two days.
God is moving my heart. 
Brokenness is coming out of me.
Healing is coming in to me.
Worship is coming out of me.
Jesus is coming in to me.

if faith can move the mountains, let the mountains move
we come with expectation, waiting here for You
waiting here for You

You're the Lord of all creation and still You know my heart
the Author of salvation, You've loved us from the start

waiting here for You
with our hands lifted high
in praise
and it's You we adore
singing alleluia

You're everything You've promised, Your faithfulness is true
we are desperate for Your presence, all we need is You

waiting here for You
with our hands lifted high
in praise
and it's You we adore
singing alleluia

singing alleluia

Worship Him, Moon

So we may not be athletes or in shape…so what.

Ani and I decided to go for a “run” tonight at 9:30 around our neighborhood. It’s 10:00 and we are back home. With a total of maybe 2 minutes of actual running.
Let’s skip past the parts where it’s dark outside, we have headphones blasting our music and the fact that it’s STILL 105 degrees outside and we kind of got lost…I promise…we ARE safe…
We decided to make our way back to the house so we turn back around headed back the way we came…except this time I look up and see a full moon shining at us. It was beautiful. Light.  The sky was clear and it was beautiful. God’s greatness.
I was listening to the new Passion CD, Awakening. The songs that came on at that point had me almost on my face.

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

And my hands went up.
Your will be done Lord. For You alone. For YOU.

Then came this song:

With everything, with everything
We will shout for your glory
With everything, with everything
We will shout forth Your praise

Our hearts they cry be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our king
With everything we will shout forth Your praise

Again…the hands went up.
Everything I have, all that I am, everything for YOU.
There was a point where there was a big gap in the trees and houses and you could just see sky and moon.
Oh my heart.
I love worship times like this.

Psalm 148:1-5
“Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord from the heavens! Praise him from the skies! Praise him, all his angels! Praise him, all the armies of heaven! Praise him, sun and moon! Praise him, all you twinkling stars!  Praise him, skies above! Praise him, vapors high above the clouds! Let every created thing give praise to the Lord, for he issued his command, and they came into being.”