Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Reality of Brokenness

If I'm going to be honest and if I'm going to be vulnerable in sharing my life on this blog, I must include the depth of brokenness along with the joyous heights.
Surely I'm not the only one who struggles.
I've had some rough days.  I've had some good days.  The rough days seem really bad and the good days are really good.  Which makes me feel a little crazy at times.
I'm a feeler. I feel things deeply. I'm an "artist" a "musician" and a typical creative dreamer. I feel depths of emotions. I'm thankful, because I know that God has created me perfectly and uniquely just how He wanted me.
I'm learning, painfully and really far from fully getting it, how to use the depth of these emotions to bring glory to God and not to sin in them. I can easily use the excuse that God has created me to be a feeler and so it's okay when I respond in a way that is dramatic.
That's not okay and that's sin.
I don't know if I know how to fully glorify God in the way I respond to things. Especially when I don't know if I completely understand what is going on inside of me, when I feel such an ache of brokenness.
When I'm down, when I can't seem to lift my head, it is harder to care. I don't feel like myself. The ache seems to be stronger than anything else.
There are times I just want to give up. Be done.
I get so tired.
Tired of feeling so intensely. Tired of not feeling like myself. Tired of changing the mood of a room. Tired of fighting. Tired of having to explain what is wrong. Tired of crying for no reason. Tired of feeling like a crazy person.
I'm humbled that in my mess He still loves me and comes after me. He is still God. He has never left me. He binds up my broken pieces. Cleans up my mess. Pursues me with His mercy and His grace. He makes all the brokenness and all the mess, He makes it all beautiful...somehow.
He does the impossible. He heals hearts. He gives life. He comforts. He gives victory and strength. He lifts and shields.
Psalm 3:3 "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."
He hears me. He hears every word I speak, every mutter under my breath, every secret word that I haven't ever spoken of. He hears me. Every cry, every shout, every whimper, every whisper. He hears me.
He is good. Because He is good, I know that all of this is good. He will stay with me. He will show me how to die so that I can truly live.

I have been listening to this song on repeat tonight. "Show Me" by Audrey Assad.
Here are the lyrics:
You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

No not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

I'm resting tonight in peace. ONLY because of HIM.
Psalm 4:8 "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

1 comment:

  1. Oh man, Em, I feel you on this. I think there are many of us women who feel this way and are scared to be vulnerable. I appreciate your honesty and transparency. It's a blessing to knw others go through the same things I do and choose to seek Him anyway, all the time, daily because He IS the only solid ground we have. Thanks sister!