Imperfect Body - Perfect Jesus. Broken World - Secure Heaven

I feel like when I write a blog post it is usually just posting the set lists from Sunday or else it's some really long deep post about how depressed I am or how hard life is...blah...blah...blah...
I came to write a post and realized that again, it was a wanting to write out of a really hard time. I guess writing for me is sometimes a release. It helps to write things out sometimes, and I find that when I do...sometimes someone is encouraged. So read if you want...don't read if you are annoyed by me.

I have to believe in Jesus. I just have to. Because if I didn't I would probably not be alive.
He sustains my breath.
He keeps my heart beating even in its breaking.
I don't understand it but I'm asking Him over and over again to help me trust Him.
I read this in a book I've been reading on suffering.

"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate."

It's hard to trust God when everything seems to be crumbling down around you.

"I can trust that you understand even though I don't."

Oh God, help me trust you.
Here are some other quotes from this book...

"God is heaven-bent on inviting me to share in his joy, peace, and power.  But there's a catch. God only shares his joy on his terms, and those terms call for us, in some measure, to suffer as his beloved Son did while on earth." 

"When suffering sandblasts us to the core, the true stuff of which we are made is revealed.  Suffering lobs a hand-grenade into our self-centeredness, blasting our soul bare, so we can be better bonded to the Savior.  Our afflictions help to make us holy.  And we are never more like Christ, never more filled with his joy, peace, and power than when sin is uprooted from our lives." 

"But I have to remember that the core of God's plan is to rescue me from sin, even up to my dying breath.  My pain and discomfort are not his ultimate focus. He cares about these things, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making my life happy, healthy, and free of trouble, but about teaching me to hate my transgressions and to keep growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. God lets me continue to feel sin's sting through suffering while I'm heading for heaven, constantly reminding me of what I am being delivered from, exposing sin for the poison it is."

The last month has been hard. Really hard. Anyone who knows me or who reads this blog, probably knows that I deal with depression. It's been a part of my life for a long time. Some of it has been circumstantial. Some of it is just in my genes.  Some of it is related to sin. I'm learning the older that I get, I am realizing that this might just be with me the rest of my human, imperfect, messed up life. But there will be a day when all of this will be over.
I'm ready for that day. SO. BAD.
I can't wait to be in heaven with Jesus.
In a new body.
Free from sadness.
Full of perfect joy.
Singing non-stop.
For eternity.
Surrounded by glory.
I think about it often, I yearn for it more than I can even put into words.
But then reality hits.
The reality that I am still here and in this REALLY imperfect body, surrounded by the weight of the world, sin, sadness, hard pressed on every side, suffering.
I don't know the number of my days. But I know that my days don't have to be spent carrying this load by myself. Jesus tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He carried my load on the cross. I can let Him take all of this.
He will fight for me.
He will give me strength when I cannot stand.
He will give me a deep deep joy even when I'm sad for no reason.
He covers me with grace that I need for today, and He will give me grace for tomorrow, and the next day...He never runs out of grace.
He gives me a community of people who are imperfect and messed up just like me. A community of people who are believing Jesus for these things as well. Who remind me of these truths, these promises that I forget SO easily.
I forget these things ALL the time. It's hard to remember these things when I'm in the deepest depths of sadness, and I can't see out, when it gets hard to breathe, when the weight seems unbearable, with the frustration of feeling something unexplainable, and sometimes for no reason at all.
Somehow He gets me through and I pray like crazy that He would show me how to fight well during these seasons. He is faithful. I have to believe that.
I have to believe that He will do what He says.
That He will make the rough places smooth.
That He will provide when I don't see a way out.
That He will come in power when I least expect it.
That He will love me even when I'm unloveable.
That He will forever and ever see me as His bride, His child, His love. Now and for eternity.
I have to believe that He is for me. That He is good. That He is working all of this out for my good and for His glory.
FOR HIS GLORY.
Help me believe God.

Depression & It's Darkness

Depression is hard. For those who have gone through it or who are going through it...you know.

You know well the depths, you know the darkness, you know the weight. It's hard.

Those of you who have never gone through depression, its hard to understand.

I read a really good book called When the Darkness Will Not Lift by John Piper.  It is excellent. He put into words what I could not. It's a short book so it's a fast read. Get it if you are going through depression, or if you know someone who is. It is a great resource for helping and encouraging someone who is in the middle of this darkness.

Something I am reading over and over again from this book:

"He has promised not to turn you away. “Whoever comes to me I will never cast out” (John 6:37). By this act of faith God will unite you to Jesus. You will be “in him,” and in him you will be now and forever loved, forgiven, and righteous. The light will rise in your darkness in due time. God will hold onto you (Jude 24). You will make it. That is his promise: “Those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified” (Rom. 8:30). The glory is coming. In the meantime, “this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Cor. 4:17-18)."

Another good one:

"Saints who cry to the Lord for deliverance from pits of darkness must learn to wait patiently for the Lord...Only God knows how long we must wait... We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or he delays as he sees fit. And his timing is all-loving toward his children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don’t mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ."

This is such a hard fight. But I have to believe that it is possible. I have to.
This is something I prayed this morning:
Help me fight God. Help me believe. Help me trust you. Help me feel it and when I don't feel it help me fight and believe it anyway. You have to do this and you promise that you will. I can't do it. But you can. This ache in me that feels stronger than truth and stronger than you. Turn this ache into an ache for more of you. I need you God. I know I need you. When I think that I don't...change my heart God. I beg you as my Daddy, please change my heart, change my mind. Give me peace. Give me rest. Bring light into this darkness. I wait..give me patience and strength to make it when I feel like I won't make it.
I'm so thankful for people of great faith who have walked deeply in depression, Martin Luther, Charles Spurgeon, David...it makes me feel not so crazy.

Psalm 143 - of David
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me,
in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgement with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness
like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirst for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your streadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord!
I have fled to you for refuge!
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your names sake, O Lord, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!

David knows. He knows well this darkness.
Here are Spurgeon's thoughts:

"Oh, dear heart, what is your condition? Are you torn with anguish? Are you sorely distressed? Are you lonely? Are you pushed aside? Then cry to God. No one else can help you. He is your only hope. Wonderful hope! Cry to Him, for He can help you. I tell you, in that cry of yours will be the pure and true worship that God desires. He desires a sincere cry far more than the slaughter of ten thousand rams or the pouring out of rivers of oil (Micah 6:7) See then, poor, weeping, and distracted ones, that it is not ritualism, it is not the performance of pompous ceremonies, it is not bowing and struggling, it is not using sacred words, but it is crying to God in the hour of trouble that is the most acceptable sacrifice your spirit can bring before the throne of God."

Spurgeon knows. He knows well this agonizing cry.
One last Spurgeon quote:

"I often feel very grateful to God that I have undergone fearful depression. I know the borders of despair and the horrible brink of that gulf of darkness into which my feet have almost gone. But hundreds of times I have been able to give a helpful grip to brethren and sisters who have come into that same condition, which grip could never have given if I had not known their despondency. So I believe that the darkest and most dreadful experience of a child of God will help him to be a fisher of men if he will but follow Christ."

My Delight, His Word

Read this today:
Psalm 1:2 "His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - ESV
"But his delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night." - AMP

When I was in Rome a few weeks ago I went to a breakout session on spiritual disciplines, taught by the cutest little Englishman. God literally took me across the world to teach me about reading my bible. It changed my life. The basic things of being a Christian. Changed my life. It was a combination of being in a place of brokenness and him ripping away my pride, and recognizing my depravity apart from Jesus and His word. I was craving and yearning for something and turns out it was His word. I can't live without it. I will die a slow painful death of self and pride without it. I've noticed in being back to real life this week that I get so selfish and consumed with my time. How do I forget that all I need is His word?
I read this today from Spurgeon...so.good...

"His delight is in the law of the Lord." He is not under the law as a curse and condemnation, but he is in it, and he delights to be in it as his rule of life; he delights, moreover, to meditate in it, to read it by day, and think upon it by night.  He takes a text and carries it with him all day long; and in the night-watches, when sleep forsakes his eyelids, he museth upon the Word of God. In the day of his prosperity he sings psalms out of the Word of God, and in the night of his affliction he comforts himself with promises out of the same book.  "The law of the Lord" is the daily bread of the true believer.  And yet, in David's day, how small was the volume of inspiration, for they had scarcely anything save the first five books of Moses! How much more, then, should we prize the whole written Word which it is our privilege to have in all our houses!  But, alas, what ill-treatment is given to this angel from heaven! We are not all Berean searchers of the Scriptures. How few among us can lay claim to the benediction of the text! Perhaps some of you can claim a sort of negative purity, because you do not walk in the way of the ungodly; but let me ask you - Is your delight in the law of God? Do you study God's Word? Do you make it the man of your right hand - your best companion and hourly guide? If not, this blessing belongeth not to you.

Chiseled into Shape

Read this quote today:

"If you have surrendered yourself to Christ, your present circumstances that seem to be pressing so hard against you are the perfect tool in the Father’s hand to chisel you into shape for eternity. So trust Him and never push away the instrument He is using, or you will miss the result of His work in your life."

Some Things I've Read

I've been reading so many good things lately. I wanted to highlight a few things that I hope will be encouraging to you:

I was reading Psalm 13:5-6 that says, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."
I was reading a commentary about these verses at Enduring Word and read this:

• "Before God can enlighten our eyes, we must agree that we don’t see everything. We need to realize that our feelings are not giving us full and accurate information. But if we will do this, and cry out to the Lord, He will enlighten our eyes and bring us from a place of despair to a place of trust, joy, and confidence!"

So good.

A book that I just started reading is 66 Love Letters: A Conversation with God That Invites You into His Story By Larry Crabb.  The author goes through each book of the bible and writes out his prayers to God as he read each book and what he felt like God was wanting him to know. He writes it from the perspective of God, so that it speaks straight to you. I've read the first chapter on Genesis and there were several things that I loved...again this is God speaking:

• "I have a plan that your failures cannot destroy.  There is a capacity for beauty in your soul that I will restore."

• "I don't want you to be afraid of failure, or you will live for success.  And I don't want you to be afraid that things in your life will go wrong-they will-or that you will feel empty-you will. If you fear problems or emptiness, you will live for comfort and fulfillment. And that will just complicate the mess you've already made."

• "I can transform anyone into the likeness of my Son. But the process is never easy or short."

• "Even people who serve me well struggle greatly. But never without purpose though the specific purpose will often remain obscure until you're dancing with Me at the eternal party-and you really won't care then. Every moment of suffering you endure is part of the good story I am telling. I don't want you to be surprised when after years of following Me closely, you still run into trouble."

• "I want you to realize that I never underestimated how thoroughly you'd mess up your life or how painfully who would struggle and suffer, and I don't want you to underestimate your failures or struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling.  But neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the mess you've made and the pain you feel and turn everything around. I can, and i will, make everything good again. Never, never underestimate Me. I have a plan, a very good one, and it will move ahead to completion. Guaranteed! Trust Me. Why? Because I love you even when you're messing up badly. I love you in the middle of your pain even though I don't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion. You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."

I'm actually excited to keep reading this book. I think it will be good. I'm not really a reader, but these chapters are short!

Pride is a Cheater

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny...because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment...because you "deserve better than this."
I cheat you of knowledge...because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing...because you're too full of me to forgive.
I cheat you of holiness...because you refuse to admit when you're wrong.
I cheat you of vision...because you'd rather look in the mirror than out a window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship...because nobody's going to know the real you.
I cheat you of love...because real romance demands sacrifice.
I cheat you of greatness in heaven...because you refuse to wash another's feet on earth.
I cheat you of God's glory...because I convince you to seek your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.
Untrue.
I'm looking to make a fool of you.
God has so much for you, I admit, but don't worry...
If you stick with me you'll never know.

Love Is...

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine, from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Inside Out

These passages have been hitting me from this book I started reading called "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb:

"Feel the deepest longings in your soul that will never be fully satisfied till heaven.  Don't be afraid of sadness.  Face the hidden sin in your heart that makes it clear how thoroughly undelightful you are.  Don't be afraid of brokenness.  Let the pain of disappointed longings and the guilt of terrible sin drive you to consider the gospel of God's grace in a new way.  Only then will Christ enter your life deeply and change you from the inside out, instilling in you a growing awareness of His relentless, unfailing love and a sustaining hope for a better day."

"We were designed to enjoy a better world than this.  And until that better world comes along, we will groan for what we do not have.  An aching soul is evidence not of neurosis or spiritual immaturity, but of realism."