Not For a Moment (After All)

This song is on repeat. SO good. Not For A Moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews

I absolutely love the vulnerability in these words. I have just worshiped through this song over and over again and I find my heart stirred, my soul broken down, head full of all the stuff going on in my little life...only to be reminded of God's faithfulness and His goodness that He has never left me, He won't ever leave me and He is always there no matter what is going on in me and around me. I have Him. I get Him. He is enough. He will never forsake me. Never.

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did you forsake me
Not for a moment did you forsake me

After all, You are constant
After all, You are only good
After all, You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousands miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

After all, You are constant
After all, You are only good
After all, You are only good
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Every step, every breath You are there
Every tear, every cry, every prayer
In my hurt, in my worst, when my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

After all, You are constant
After all, You are only good
After all, You are only good
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Here - "I will rest in You"

I have been listening to this song over and over. So. Beautiful.
I love when music gets to the depths of my soul, it is only because the Spirit goes there first.
I've been wrestling and all out fighting the war in me with my thoughts, with my feelings, with the outer pressures of different things weighing on me. It's exhausting. When I first heard this song, I feel to my face and cried.  I had been trying so hard to carry all of this myself. I'm not quite sure why I quickly forget that God wants me...all of me...all of my burdens. Every single one of them. He wants me to come and lay them before Him. There is rest in Him. There is peace in Him. There is healing in Him. I want to breathe Him in and breathe Him out. Just breathe.
Hope this encourages you.

Come and rest here
Come and lay your burdens down
Come and rest here
There is refuge for you now

You'll find His peace
And know you're not alone anymore
He is near
You'll find His healing
Your heart isn't shattered anymore
He is here

Breathe in
Breathe out
You will, you will find Him here

I will rest in You
I will rest in You
I will rest in You
I will rest in You

So...I Took A Drive Tonight...

I went for a drive tonight. I had to get out...leave...and for a moment just feel like I could runaway from all the mess of my life & never come back.
So I chased the sun.
I love the sky in its brilliant colors as the sun sets and hides behind clouds. The rays of the sun beaming out from the clouds as if to say I can still be seen, and I am radiant.

The roads I took led me to the middle of nowhere and it was beautiful.

Small country roads with the most beautiful wildflowers going wild.
I just kept thinking to myself...
This is absolutely beautiful. No one is around, no one knows this beauty...how can no one know about this, cause surely if people knew its beauty they would be here.
I kept driving. Chasing the sun. Not caring where I would end up, I just didn't want it to end. I'll go however long, however far it takes to see the sun go down.
There is something about tonight that was so good for my soul.
A beautiful, perfect combination of goodness.
The perfection was refreshing after having a month of things just going wrong. After a day of hard stuff. The beautiful, perfect combination of goodness was just what I needed.
Windows down, beautiful sky, the smell of wood burning, green fields, colorful wildflowers, wind blowing through my hair, perfect playlist ...
God and I spent a lot of time together on this drive. Not even kidding...5 hours. I spent 5 hours in the car tonight.
I cried, I prayed, I worshiped, I was silent...and this song came on:

Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down
Help my heart to hear Your sound
Speak into my life, Lord, speak now
Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down 

Clear my mind, O Lord, clear my mind
Bring me peace that I cannot find
Take my worried thoughts break my pride
Clear my mind, O Lord, clear my mind 

Wake my soul, O Lord, wake my soul
With this mess I've made make me whole
Of this life called mine, take control
Wake my soul, O Lord, wake my soul 

Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down
Help my heart to hear Your sound
Speak into my life, Lord, speak now
Slow me down, O Lord, Slow me down

A beautiful, perfect combination of goodness.

Then, as I was driving...I came across this:

They were just hanging out in the road. At one point they were all in the middle of the road and I just had to sit there and wait awhile cause they weren't moving. They just looked at me.

It was awesome.

Then I heard the song singing, "Slow me down, O Lord, slow me down."

I laughed again. 

God definitely has a sense of humor.

I found myself begging God, cause that is all I felt like I could do, as His child. Begging Him to just change my heart, to change my life, as I come back home to the reality of a lot of mess.  I want to live this mess as a witness, as a person who has hope.  Who trusts and believes that God is bigger, better, enough and in complete control and completely good.

A Beautiful, Perfect Combination of Goodness.

Imperfect Body - Perfect Jesus. Broken World - Secure Heaven

I feel like when I write a blog post it is usually just posting the set lists from Sunday or else it's some really long deep post about how depressed I am or how hard life is...blah...blah...blah...
I came to write a post and realized that again, it was a wanting to write out of a really hard time. I guess writing for me is sometimes a release. It helps to write things out sometimes, and I find that when I do...sometimes someone is encouraged. So read if you want...don't read if you are annoyed by me.

I have to believe in Jesus. I just have to. Because if I didn't I would probably not be alive.
He sustains my breath.
He keeps my heart beating even in its breaking.
I don't understand it but I'm asking Him over and over again to help me trust Him.
I read this in a book I've been reading on suffering.

"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate."

It's hard to trust God when everything seems to be crumbling down around you.

"I can trust that you understand even though I don't."

Oh God, help me trust you.
Here are some other quotes from this book...

"God is heaven-bent on inviting me to share in his joy, peace, and power.  But there's a catch. God only shares his joy on his terms, and those terms call for us, in some measure, to suffer as his beloved Son did while on earth." 

"When suffering sandblasts us to the core, the true stuff of which we are made is revealed.  Suffering lobs a hand-grenade into our self-centeredness, blasting our soul bare, so we can be better bonded to the Savior.  Our afflictions help to make us holy.  And we are never more like Christ, never more filled with his joy, peace, and power than when sin is uprooted from our lives." 

"But I have to remember that the core of God's plan is to rescue me from sin, even up to my dying breath.  My pain and discomfort are not his ultimate focus. He cares about these things, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making my life happy, healthy, and free of trouble, but about teaching me to hate my transgressions and to keep growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. God lets me continue to feel sin's sting through suffering while I'm heading for heaven, constantly reminding me of what I am being delivered from, exposing sin for the poison it is."

The last month has been hard. Really hard. Anyone who knows me or who reads this blog, probably knows that I deal with depression. It's been a part of my life for a long time. Some of it has been circumstantial. Some of it is just in my genes.  Some of it is related to sin. I'm learning the older that I get, I am realizing that this might just be with me the rest of my human, imperfect, messed up life. But there will be a day when all of this will be over.
I'm ready for that day. SO. BAD.
I can't wait to be in heaven with Jesus.
In a new body.
Free from sadness.
Full of perfect joy.
Singing non-stop.
For eternity.
Surrounded by glory.
I think about it often, I yearn for it more than I can even put into words.
But then reality hits.
The reality that I am still here and in this REALLY imperfect body, surrounded by the weight of the world, sin, sadness, hard pressed on every side, suffering.
I don't know the number of my days. But I know that my days don't have to be spent carrying this load by myself. Jesus tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He carried my load on the cross. I can let Him take all of this.
He will fight for me.
He will give me strength when I cannot stand.
He will give me a deep deep joy even when I'm sad for no reason.
He covers me with grace that I need for today, and He will give me grace for tomorrow, and the next day...He never runs out of grace.
He gives me a community of people who are imperfect and messed up just like me. A community of people who are believing Jesus for these things as well. Who remind me of these truths, these promises that I forget SO easily.
I forget these things ALL the time. It's hard to remember these things when I'm in the deepest depths of sadness, and I can't see out, when it gets hard to breathe, when the weight seems unbearable, with the frustration of feeling something unexplainable, and sometimes for no reason at all.
Somehow He gets me through and I pray like crazy that He would show me how to fight well during these seasons. He is faithful. I have to believe that.
I have to believe that He will do what He says.
That He will make the rough places smooth.
That He will provide when I don't see a way out.
That He will come in power when I least expect it.
That He will love me even when I'm unloveable.
That He will forever and ever see me as His bride, His child, His love. Now and for eternity.
I have to believe that He is for me. That He is good. That He is working all of this out for my good and for His glory.
FOR HIS GLORY.
Help me believe God.

The Gospel, Discontentment & Depression

I'm taking a gospel counseling class. Usually our get trained classes are on Sundays, which I can't do because I'm usually singing all day. But our elder wives have been going through this class on Thursday mornings and they have graciously allowed me to sit in on their class with them.
The elder wives plus me.
I have LOVED it. These women are amazing.
The last two weeks we have been talking about the topic of depression. Funny right?!
God is funny.
Something that has hit me about struggling with depression is that I've realized that my depression has two parts.
Physical/Chemical/Circumstantial - there is a part of my brain that just doesn't work right. It's in my genes.
Then there is an active sin part - this is the part that has hit me the hardest.
I've battled with depression for a long time. I knew that it ran in my family and I knew that there were significant things in my life that have happened that have been a part of my depression also...a circumstantial depression (my dad dying when I was in high school, an unhealthy broken engagement, other unhealthy relationships that resulted in a multitude of really difficult situations) But the part of my depression that I haven't ever really dealt with is the sin aspect.

• Discontentment. 
• Looking to created things to get approval, success and attention. 
• Unbelief
• Fear

All of these things trigger depression for me and are a source of sorrow that leave me unsatisfied because they are rooted in wanting satisfaction and contentment in creation and not in my Creator.

I look and yearn for attention in so many ways.

• Leading worship. 
• Being on a stage. 
• People knowing who I am.
• What I wear. 
• My mood.
• I want attention from my roommates...
• From a boy,
• From my friends.

And when I don't get it...it ruins my day. My feelings are hurt and I hate life. I'm discontent and unsatisfied.
Ridiculous and dramatic.

I look and yearn for approval in so many ways...

• In my singing and leading worship...I want people to like what I do
• From my boss, I want him to offer me a permanent job.
• I want people to like me and want to be friends with me
• I want to look a certain way, act a certain way so that people will like me, then I get confused as to who I really am and not being ok with who I really am because it's not what people want or enjoy.
• I let fear hold me back from doing things because I'm afraid of messing up or looking stupid or doing the wrong thing. 

I just don't believe that God is enough for me and that He is all I need so I search out all of these things...then I am left discontent and unsatisfied. Hating life and feeling sad, because all of the things that I have run to my whole life and all of the things that I want so badly, fail me and are not consistant and leave me feeling empty.

Here is a definition of discontentment that was read in my class

"Discontentment does not hold circumstance with an open hand. It clenches its fist tightly around whatever it feels it needs to truly be happy - immovable and unwavering - persisting until it has what it desires and even then will eventually grow unhappy. Discontentment is sin because it rejects the provision of God and grabs for things not offered by Him in the present - believing they cannot be satisfied by God, but rather in the things of the world."

BUT GOD.
HE is satisfying. HE is unfailing. HE is faithful. HE is good. HE is glorious. He knows me and loves me and He gives me attention and approval and success and contentment because of Jesus. Nothing that I did, nothing that I am...but all because of Jesus. Complete and perfect grace.
For HIS glory...not my own.

Depression is my thorn. I may have this the rest of my life, I'm in a good place now, but there will be other valleys. I'm asking God now to remind me of His faithfulness and His goodness and the hope that I have for when that time comes when the darkness comes in again. He has given me this thorn for me to depend on Him, to depend on His grace, on His strength, on His power.

"So to keep me from being conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

He is so good. I've asked Him over and over again for my heart and my mind to be focused on Him, for my heart and my mind to yearn for Him instead of the things of this world. He is faithful. SO faithful...I don't even fully understand it. But I know that He is good.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:1-8

The Reality of Brokenness

If I'm going to be honest and if I'm going to be vulnerable in sharing my life on this blog, I must include the depth of brokenness along with the joyous heights.
Surely I'm not the only one who struggles.
I've had some rough days.  I've had some good days.  The rough days seem really bad and the good days are really good.  Which makes me feel a little crazy at times.
I'm a feeler. I feel things deeply. I'm an "artist" a "musician" and a typical creative dreamer. I feel depths of emotions. I'm thankful, because I know that God has created me perfectly and uniquely just how He wanted me.
I'm learning, painfully and really far from fully getting it, how to use the depth of these emotions to bring glory to God and not to sin in them. I can easily use the excuse that God has created me to be a feeler and so it's okay when I respond in a way that is dramatic.
That's not okay and that's sin.
I don't know if I know how to fully glorify God in the way I respond to things. Especially when I don't know if I completely understand what is going on inside of me, when I feel such an ache of brokenness.
When I'm down, when I can't seem to lift my head, it is harder to care. I don't feel like myself. The ache seems to be stronger than anything else.
There are times I just want to give up. Be done.
I get so tired.
Tired of feeling so intensely. Tired of not feeling like myself. Tired of changing the mood of a room. Tired of fighting. Tired of having to explain what is wrong. Tired of crying for no reason. Tired of feeling like a crazy person.
BUT GOD...
I'm humbled that in my mess He still loves me and comes after me. He is still God. He has never left me. He binds up my broken pieces. Cleans up my mess. Pursues me with His mercy and His grace. He makes all the brokenness and all the mess, He makes it all beautiful...somehow.
BUT GOD...
He does the impossible. He heals hearts. He gives life. He comforts. He gives victory and strength. He lifts and shields.

Psalm 3:3 "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

BUT GOD...
He hears me. He hears every word I speak, every mutter under my breath, every secret word that I haven't ever spoken of. He hears me. Every cry, every shout, every whimper, every whisper. He hears me.
He is good. Because He is good, I know that all of this is good. He will stay with me. He will show me how to die so that I can truly live.

I have been listening to this song on repeat tonight. "Show Me" by Audrey Assad.
Here are the lyrics:

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
No not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

I'm resting tonight in peace. ONLY because of HIM.

Psalm 4:8 "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."