Looking over my journal at the pages marked Day 1, Day 2, Day 3....
There are lots of words and lots of scribbles.
It seems I can't make any sense of it.
Different topics, different words, different themes.
They all sort of run together but make no sense.
I get to a certain point where my mind goes blank...I can see it each day that I wrote. I would get a few lines or a verse and the rest of the page would be blank...or be filled with scribbles.
Then the next day...same thing...a few lines or a chorus and then nothing.
UGH. frustrating.
I've wanted to give up.
I've wanted to bail on the 8th day party. (where everyone gets together to share some of their songs)
I've beat myself up.
I've been completely negative.
I've compared myself.
I've been living in funky town.
I've worried. I've panicked. I've cried.
I talked with several friends today and was reminded of how important community is.
My people keep me standing.
My people speak truth to me.
My people pray for me.
My people kick me in the booty (in a good way).
My people encourage me to not give up.
My people remind me that my worth is not in people's opinions of me.
My people remind me that to fail at something is not the end of the world...but that it means that you tried instead of doing the same comfortable thing over and over again.
My people remind me that the process of learning is hard.
My people remind me that there is purpose in all of this...even showing up to the 8th day party with no songs.
So will I go to the 8th day party tomorrow night?
yes.
Do I want to go?
um...not really.
Do I have any songs to sing?
no.
Am I scared of feeling like a failure?
yes.
Am I a complete failure?
absolutely not.
Will I have to remind myself of this every minute?
absolutely yes.
Emily,
ReplyDeleteI have loved following your progress in 7in7. It has been such an encouragement to know that I am not the only one who has wanted to quit. I am proud of you for sticking with it, for pushing forward, and for trusting the process to produce something...even if it is something in you rather than songs. I know that songs have been written this week in your process. You just don't know them yet! Even this post has a song hiding in it. My people keep me standing...if that doesn't belong in a song, I don't know what does.
I too was planning on bailing on the party. It's far, and I have things in Houston to be doing, and I'm exhausted. But, mostly, I am intimidated to share my songs with people who are better and know more than I do, who have been doing this much longer. But the Lord wouldn't let me get out of it. So I will see you tonight and I will be happy to cry with you and laugh with you and celebrate the growth that happened this week.
Sometimes when we put so much pressure on ourselves to produce art, that is when it's least likely to come.
ReplyDeleteHumility is always a hard lesson...
I'm proud of you!